Relationship Bonding with Massage
Somewhere, it’s ten o’clock at night and a couple is getting ready for bed, one is begging the other to pummel a “knot” that has formed on their back. After five minutes of attempting a massage and a claim that “my hand is tired” the common result is normally two frustrated people.
Words and Intention
How you respond to your partner’s request for a massage matters. For example, saying the phrase, “I’m bored” and stopping the massage is hurtful to your partner. Yes, you may not have the strength or skill of a professional Massage Therapist but the intention of your touch is always felt. If you feel bored from giving massage it’s because you’re not interested or focused. A way to prevent this is to challenge yourself to give a great massage. Some people have raw talent and relieving someone’s discomfort through work you’ve done with your hands, is rewarding. If your partner loves receiving massage or often needs it, consider your words and check your heart before verbalizing an unsympathetic phrase.
How to Stay Focused
If you want to make a longer massage part of your ritual with your partner then a helpful tip is not to have shows, movies or a sports game turned on in the background. Keep your cell phone on silent and on the opposite side of the room, use it to play soothing spa music in the distance as you focus. Spotify has beautiful playlists specifically for massage and YouTube has free spa music for an hour or more without ads. Be engaged with your partner and ask how the pressure is throughout the time of the massage. This is especially important when you begin a new area because different body parts withstand pressure differently. This will keep you centered,avoid placing the wrong amount of pressure and your partner will appreciate you checking in.
Let Go of High Expectations
If you suffer from long term muscular pain or a recent injury, please leave it to a professional Massage Therapist with training in muscle related pain. Having expectations that your partner studied anatomy and the human muscular system as deeply as a professional therapist is unrealistic. Being angry or resentful at your partner when they can’t make the pain go away is not fair to them. Massage takes energy to give, be grateful that they are trying. Instead use your massage time at home to build love and intimacy between the two of you and not only in a pain crisis situation where your partner may feel incompetent.
Make a Plan
That special time between the two of you doesn’t magically happen,you have to plan it. The same way date nights are emphasized, so should your couple massage time. Find a foam mat and cushion it with extra padding with a comforter and explore how to massage your partner. It is one of the most selfless acts of service you can provide. The best part? Its free! Select one day out of the month or week . If possible,be specific and set aside an hour of uninterrupted time, 30 minutes for you the other for them. Massage is a fun way to show care for the one you love and helps you appreciate their body, imperfections and all. Often times, we feel self conscious about the way we look but when we are cared for through touch those insecurities can melt away. If you want to take it a step further find a professional massage therapist that is willing to teach you both techniques from the trade. Many of our clients learn from their own experience with us and then apply it at home.
Love Language
In the well known book The 5 Love Languages, author Gary Chapman speaks of Quality Time and Physical Touch as two examples of love languages. Massage at home can nurture this love language , especially if it speaks to your spouse. The result is a deeper love and appreciation in your relationship from a place of serving and genuine care.
Words of Affirmation
The choice of your words, their tone and meaning create or destroy a moment. When a couples chooses to offer massage to each other, words have a strong impact. Typically couples become accustom to each other and touch often leads to sexual intercourse. In couples counseling however, the intention is for the love and well being of the other person. This is a challenge because most of us, think of ourselves. To give a massage to your spouse or loved one without secretly thinking “they owe me for this!” is hard work but as someone that does this professionally for over two decades, I promise it can be done. Giving massage is a rich and rewarding way of relieving stress and with the right encouragement, boosting your confidence.
What Not To Say
Starting out in my career I didn’t have any clients, so my family members were the first recipients of my work. These relationships were as close to me as I’ve ever known! They had known me all of my life and healthy boundaries and effective communication are often dismissed among those closest to us. In turn, some family members were incredibly appreciative but one was very demanding. This relative would dictate every move and technique. They would openly express to me how hard to press and where to return on a specific aching muscle. Their tone was a mix between pleading and exacting. Although I cared for this person, their words caused resentment in me and I began to avoid working on them. Due to a familial relationship and poor communication on both our ends, it resulted in unnecessary animosity between us.
When beginning a massage, both the giver and receiver must give consent. Despite the fact that you are both in a relationship, a person’s body is their personal space and to be respected no matter what. A simply question like, ” I’m willing to give you a massage tonight, how do you feel about that?” or “My muscles are really aching, would you be willing to give me a massage. If you say no, I’ll understand”. These words must be sincere and not laced with guilt or manipulation. If you ask for a massage, you must be prepared both mentally and emotionally for a no response. Likewise, if you are rejecting your spouse’s request, then be mindful of how you say it. For example you can say, ” oh honey, I’d really like to but I’m beat. Could we do it another time?” Then give options and relatively soon to the date and time that work best for both of you.
Give two or three options within seven days of the request. This will take some planning but your relationship will be richer for it. For example, “I can’t tonight but I can do it tomorrow morning before work or Wednesday evening…” It may sound cordial but it guarantees the other person that you care enough to make it happen. This is all part of using words with the right tone and intention to enjoy a great massage experience.
